Superman in Melbourne

I have been asked to describe the legendary Full Monty I did in the Hamer Hall Melbourne with the Melbourne Symphony during the summer. I should first of all state it was not the full monty, nor did the orchestra join in, except with the laughing! On a previous occasion with the MSO, at the climax of the fanfare theme of the Superman March, I had stripped off my shirt to reveal a T-shirt with a Superman logo emblazoned across the front. This was after I had tried to get the audience to show me how it should be done: shirts pretended to be ripped open ("you Madam can do it for real"), underpants on over trousers ("on dear, you have to put them on!") etc etc. So when I went back and did the same piece, I had to go further. There was only way of going further, at the same climax the whole of my tail suit, including trousers, had to ripped off! A tail suit had been made for me (by the Royal Opera House) that was velcroed together and at the given moment, I would grab it in a certain way, rip it off and reveal the whole Superman outfit in all its glory. Unfortunately, I had bought a Superman outfit several sizes too small and when the moment came, it left little to the imagination! One of the 2 very nice boys sitting in the front row at the moment of reveal, stood up clutching his forehead and shouted Oh My God and fainted clean away! That may be a slight exaggeration, but I did detect one friend turning to the other and fanning him with the programme! He must have had a touch of the vapours! I hadn't realised quite what the problem was until this moment, and spent the rest of the Superman March holding the score either in front of me or behind me, which rather unfairly in my opinion attracted a lot of ribald laughing. Despite the size of the score being A3, it didn't hide my enormous problem! At this point the orchestra rather lost the will to continue playing and according to the management, some extraordinary noises came out of the orchestra while they manfully continued to try and play. Having heard the radio broadcast, I must say they did very well: it's not easy to play the horn (for example) and laugh at the same time. If only this was the only interesting moment in the concert! I had put the velcro suit on for the 2nd half and rather stupidly, I had put the battery pack of the clip-on radio mike I was using into my trouser pocket. Half way through Harry Potter which came shortly after the beginning of the 2nd half, I felt this battery pack slipping down my thigh. Knowing there was no interesting girl rubbing her hand on my leg, I assumed there was a hole in my trouser pocket, until I realised with alarm as it banged against my knee that the weight of the pack had pulled the velcro apart and my trousers were actually falling down. There was only one thing to do and that was abandon the podium, orchestra and audience in the middle of the piece and flee! This should have been OK as the concert platform was dimly lit (atmosphere!) and I reasoned I might not be missed too much. Providing I corrected the problem and reappeared before the change of tempo at the end, people might not even notice I'd gone; for heaven's sake the orchestra might not even notice! However, the follow spot operators possibly thinking this was an invisibility cloak gag, followed me to the platform exits and towards the double doors leading off; where I met a problem! I couldn't open them! There is obviously a trick to opening these doors, and as I was panicking by now, I could not work out the trick! So holding up my trousers at the back with one hand and hammering on the doors with the other, I bellowed to be let out! Apparently It looked for all the world as though I had enjoyed a particularly good curry along the Yarra prior to the performance and now needed somewhere very quickly! A quick zig here and an adroit zag there, the wardrobe malfunction was corrected by a very smart lady who had opened the doors and I was back by the change of tempo. The orchestra were fantastic and had played most of the piece without a conductor, thereby proving how much us conductors are needed! I have no idea what the radio audience made of the shenanigans that evening, but all I know is that my conducting career in Australia may well be over, but a whole new one is opening up in the Kings Cross area of Sydney!